you fold your socks and under wear a certain way. your child wants to know why. you brush your teeth and gargle with mouthwash. your child wants to know why. you wear slippers at night. your child wants to know why. you boil your macaroni noodles before you bake them for your homemade macaroni recipe. your child wants to know why.
for the first time, after almost 8 years of doing this day in and day out, i am starting to see a return on my investments. financial investments? no, no. something much more valuable! my children.
in these last several years, i have explained things until i am blue in the face. until i am out of breath, until my mouth is dry. until i am annoyed by my own self and every situation as i have to explain everything. "why do you do that mommy?" a question we hear everyday as parents. no big deal. it's how you answer these questions that matters the most.
when a child asks why you fold your socks like that simply saying "just because" is easier. it's easier because you don't have to think. and it gets your child to stop asking questions, right? wrong! i quickly learned that when my children ask me questions, it's because they are looking for the answer. an answer with meaning. so i did what felt right. i took them seriously and over the years i have explained what feels like over a million, zillion questions. even the though ones like why did you call our neighbor nosy? and what does nosy mean?
sometimes when our kids ask us questions, it gets our brain thinking too. eventually, i think you become just as curious as your child and you too, quickly learn that you don't know why you do things but you want an answer. in a sense, being a parent teaches you a lot about yourself. you know when you struggle with who you are and what your purpose is? a child can drive that out of you!
our children are deserving of an honest, thoughtful answer. don't you agree? sometimes, we feel tired, grumpy, sluggish...you know. and that's ok. typically when my kids ask me things, i enjoy answering their question and it usually leads to a good conversation! though there are times when i don't have it in me. when this happens. i give them an honest answer. "sweetie, i am sorry, mommy doesn't feel really talkative right now." "i have a lot i am thinking about in my mind right now, hold onto your question and we can talk about it later." "actually, for some reason, i am grouchy. it's is nothing you did but i think i need a minute by myself."
you may be surprised how easy it is to be honest with your kids! they are very empathetic beings and understand emotion. usually when i let my kids know i don't feel like talking because i am grouchy or whatever, they ask me if i need anything. "you want me to sing to you?" "you want me to scratch your back?" and sometimes i respectfully take a rain check while other times i say "ya know, i think that is exactly what i need."
But in the moments when you are feeling great and can talk to your kids, do it! when they ask why you pour olive oil in your skillet before you make everything, tell them! there are nights we lay in the family bed and the questions are flooding in full force, "where is the moon?" "why do we have to rest?" "how old is grandma?" i answer them all and then suddenly i can't take another question. before i yell at them to go to sleep. i simply tell them how i am feeling. "i am so tired and i have a hard time falling asleep when you are asking me questions." [honesty] "can you save your questions for another day so i can rest?" it works almost every time. they quiet down and let me rest.
but it is here recently when i have seen return on my investment. when a simple task like making toast can be done by my child without them getting hurt, or burning it or something, i know this happened because everything i have invested in them. i know i have told them about toasters until i can't talk about toasters anymore. i feel it is our responsibility to train our children to not need us anymore. so if your 18 year old moves out and doesn't know how to make toast or do laundry, have we done them any service?
when my daughter was in the kitchen this morning and i heard, pots and pans, cupboards, water running etc, i didn't go running to take charge or see what she was up to. i trusted that she had it under control because i have been training her in the kitchen since she has been 4 or 5 and knew she would come and get me when she needed me.
so in my family, it took about 8 years before i saw the return. maybe sooner. but i am really noticing it daily with my oldest daughter as she is able to care for herself and even others just as i have tried to show her. and suddenly, it's all worth it.
think of your child as a new co-worker you are training. we have all done that. train the new guy and you literally explain everything you are doing and why you are doing it that way. that is exactly what i think parents should be doing with their kids!
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