yesterday is gone. no do overs.

i woke my kids up and we spent a good amount of time in my daughter's room all piled on her bed snuggling and helping each other wake for the day.  i love this part of the day.  i always feel like we need to hurry up and eat breakfast and get dressed so we can start the day, but then i remember, this too, this snuggling in bed, is part of our day.

we finally made it downstairs for the day and just as i was reaching for the cereal bowls, i heard the doorbell. damn it.  i was bra less, messy hair and in my pj's.  i look at the kids-all standing froze in their underwear.

i peeked out the window to see my young neighbor boy standing with his swim trunks and towel on my porch.  he comes to play often and the other night he played in the sprinkler with my kids in our back yard. since that, he comes daily and asks when we are going to swim.

in our tired, lack of clothing state of being, i thought to myself-i don't need to answer the door just yet. he will come back, he always does. bad idea-he rang that door bell again and again so i finally opened the door and politely asked him to come back later.

i felt bad-what am i teaching my kids. am i teaching them that you don't have to answer the door if you don't feel like it, or am i teaching them to be cold and rude?

we moved on, everything was OK.

we proceeded with our day. ran a few errands, returned home to make lunch and their was the doorbell.        you guessed it, the neighbor boy was back and wondered when we were going to swim.  i politely told him we were making lunch and to come back in an hour.  i made lunch and as we were eating, the doorbell rang.  he returned earlier than i asked him to, so finally we let him in!

he is on summer break.  he is here everyday, all day!  whew! it's going to be a long summer...

anyway, i let the lunch mess sit so the kids could play in the sprinkler.  while the kids were enjoying the water, i sat in my lawn chair.  i forgot to pay our Internet bill. you know how i know i forgot? because apparently if you don't pay it, they shut it off. nice. so i had to call and pay it and have service restored. i talked to an automated guy for 10 minutes, waited on hold for 10 minutes, talked to a representative for 20 minutes....i won''t make that mistake again!  need to set up a reminder to to ahem pay the bills ;) while i was on hold, the neighbor boys mother was calling me repeatedly. i assumed this meant it was time for him to go home. i sent him home.

we cleaned up the yard and came in the house to do some school work.  my oldest is working hard to finish her lessons for the year.  we did an art project and waited on Dad to get home.  the kids were all proud of their work, they always are.

i am behind on laundry (shocking, i know), the dishes need done, and we are nearing dinner hour and i have no plan and frozen meat.

when things get crazy, we go back outside, it's so therapeutic.  enjoyed happy hour on the porch with my husband while the kids played nicely in their sand box.  finally, 2 beers later, i realized supper wasn't going to make itself.  i totally wanted to make it a fast food drive -through kind of night-but i refrained. i didn't want my family to ingest the garbage nor does our wallet appreciate this nonsense.

so into the kitchen i went. homemade onion rings and grilled cheese it was. fancy!  hey, we all left the table full.

i was still feeling like a slug, so i thought i would be rebellious and leave the dishes for the next day.  every time i would walk through the kitchen that evening i thought i should do the dishes, but then i said nope, not doing it!

finally at 9:30-I did the dishes. i just couldn't leave them-after all, there is no dishes fairy-i only leave myself with a mess.

watched my favorite show's season finale.  tucked the kids in. they fell asleep. i read.  finally, i was tired. it was time to rest so i went in my daughter's room and just sat and watched her sleep.  sometimes my heart aches for her and I's relationship because I feel I am so hard on her.  I expect so much-too much. She is the first born, very bright, beautiful, I can always count on her,  she loves me unconditionally.  I kept kissing her and whispering that i loved her.  I desperately wanted her to wake up-I wanted to read to her, make beaded necklaces with her.  Take a walk with her and hold her hand tight.  I wanted her to know how much I loved her.  I feel like I am screwing up. She is getting older and understands life.  She is with me all day everyday, and i feel like I am not always the role model I need to be.  For crying out loud, I hid from the neighbor boy when he rang the door bell that morning and didn't answer the door!  What am I teaching her?  What does she really think of me.

I hugged her tight, inhaled her sweet smell and went to bed.  I didn't pray last night.  My soul is lost right now. I need to pray more.

Today is a new day.  I came across this video and it brought me to tears.

http://vimeo.com/66058153

today is a chance to make everything right. spend more time with them, show them your love. build them up.